Hooks-N-Arrows
by Max Rasgar
Summary: "Eh, a man has needs." Hook offers by way of an explanation. "It's nothing to be ashamed of until other people find out how much of a lust-driven pig you secretly are."


Disclaimer: You need to know that I sure as hell don't own the characters in this story, so forget about trying to pursue any legal (or illegal) action against me.

A/N: This is just something that I wrote for giggles and to test the waters in this fandom; so behold my maiden voyage right here. Also, I'm 98.7% certain that some peeps will laugh at this while some select peeps will not 'see' the humor. *shrugs*

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><p><strong><span>\ Hooks-N-Arrows **

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><p>The Rabbit Hole Bar is always open to the triple D crowd of people, which are as follows: drunkards, degenerates and dingy horn-dogs alike in Storybrooke. Yes, such people exist even fairy tale land, just like the so called 'real world' and cursed or not, people don't change just because their name does. They might forget but the mind works like muscle memory sometimes. Regular run-of-the-mill people are welcome too; as long as they're drinking. On this night though two men just happen to find one another and in their mutual lamentations they strike a bargain, an unlikely kinship and a off-kilter relationship...this is their story.<p>

A simple drink order and a shuffling of elbows started the acknowledgment. The not-really reformed pirate saw his mark and couldn't resist a jab, considering they were both in the very same boat, not merrily rowing along. They were both dumped, sort of. Swan dumped Killian when the glaring truth of the dubious man finally forced her to take a good look. Regina was dumped by Robin until his man-hood twitched like a compass trying to find North. Then Robin went running to her, but she refused him as she should have. Because even truly re-formed Evil Queens have standards that should never be lowered under any circumstances.

After taking a long draw on his luke-warm ale Killian puts down his drink on the bar with a thud, thus jarring his bar-mate just to his left. Robin looks up from his own beer to see a man that he has only seen in passing but knows of due to his not quite girlfriend who is most certainly now his not quite ex-girlfriend. Regina was flirty, but still reluctant to do much even during his overly persistent advances that bordered on sexual harassment.

But back to the current climate and this evenings task for the hand-less; Hook zeroes in on his target and smirks smugly as he sizes up the man next to him. He isn't aging well. The man has more wrinkles than a roughed-up leather bag; his hair cut is absurd and his eyes are squinty, beady really. Honestly, the only asset the man has is his accent and that too is nowhere near enticing as some others who have a particular diction in Storybrooke.

"You are nowhere near as devilishly handsome as I am." Hook states loudly and Robin Hood lowers the beer glass that didn't quite make it to his lips. "In fact you have this rather off putting Cheshire Cat-like grin etched in your face, mate."

Robin turns slightly on his stool and considers Hook for a moment. Unlike the black leather encased man before him he hasn't a vain bone in his body; he is constructed of self-righteous, arrogant, entitled ones. "Hook, what a pleasure." Robin says with a reserved and forced smile. "As for your observation about me...I will gladly admit that I'm not all that striking, but at least I do not wear a ladies eye enhancement."

Hook doesn't flinch at the mild and somewhat clever insult. "Good thing, because it would look like total shite on you." He retorts as he drains the remains of his beer and orders another.

A highly amused Ruby Lucas fills Killian's request for another cold draft and goes back to the other end of the bar. Not that being down there, as far away as she can get, will block out this evenings male entertainment, but at least this way she doesn't look obvious and can laugh freely. And to think she almost passed on covering for a friend here tonight and even better still she's getting paid to see and hear this. She refrains from texting Emma about this until her shift ends, when anything and everything will go.

"Just what the hell did Regina see in you any way, mate?" Killian states coolly while he leans into Robin's personal space. His shirt gapes open and due to his overly hairy chest his necklace gets tangled in the hair for a second and the pirate winces.

"I could ask you the same question...mate?" Robin fires back in a much more reserved fashion, before taking a reserved sip of his still moderately cool beer.

Killian rolls his eyes and reaches into his long coat's inner pocket. He needs a rum kick-starter if this conversation is to keep going, thus keeping him amused. Lashing out at Emma or even Regina is out of the question; both women can kick his ass separately and most definitely combined. Robin on the other hand may prove to be a suitable outlet. After all he has a dog in this fight too as it were, sort of.

"Frankly, we're both self-absorbed scoundrels but at least I smell better." Hooks says as he pops open his flask, because the woodsy scent coming off of Robin Hood had long since wore thin on the pirate's nose.

Robin nurses his beer while his mind scrambles to find a suitable cut-down. "You smell like leather and rum."

Killian quirks an eyebrow at Robin's attempt at an insult. "Well that's good deal better than walking around reeking of peat moss and woodland creatures droppings." Hook retorts while putting the stopper back in his flask and then returning it to his inner jacket pocket. "Or in this realm; like one of those cheap air refreshers shaped like a pine tree that I've spotted in automobiles."

Robin narrows his eyes and immediately wishes that he had his quiver and bow handy so he could put a bolt through the pirate's mouth. Then the appeal of that thought fades as quickly as it came, when he takes a sip of his beer.

"But you had a minor advantage." Hook finally says after the passing silence between them became too much; it was only broken up sporadically by pool balls slamming into each other and the thump of the song playing on the jukebox. "Your tiny son, which I'm sure helps with loosening the ladies panties."

"How dare you imply that about Roland!" Robin says heatedly while turning sideways on his barstool, but then all that bluster fades and a sly smile emerges. "It's true though and that ploy has worked on many occasions."

"Eh, a man has needs." Hook offers by way of an explanation while picking up his discarded beer to take a long sip, before putting the now empty stein back down on the bar. "It's nothing to be ashamed of except when other people find out how much of a lust-driven pig you secretly are."

Ruby's eyebrows shoot up into her hairline and she reminds herself that tearing out the throats of these two nasty teabaggers is not a good idea, unless she wants to be wearing numbers. Wolves don't look good in stripes or behind bars. But then again she could get rid of the evidence by eating them both completely and then shitting them over the troll bridge into the river. On further reflection though that just sounds disgusting, painful and too time consuming. A tall ginger haired, balding man comes up to the bar and Ruby fills another drink order for a 'grasshopper'; who knew that Archie even came here?

"But it's my understanding that you always behave that way." Robin replies as he turns more towards Killian, who is still in his personal space.

Hook chuckles, "So very true but at least the women know exactly who they're dealing with...to an extent."

"Are you implying that I'm dishonest in some way my good sir?"

"Not at all." Hook answers quickly. "I'm inferring that you are a simpering thief that prances around in the woods, and that no sane woman should want to lay on her back for you no matter how randy she may be, let alone marry you and have to do that activity with you many times over."

Robin slams his nearly empty beer stein down on the bar top with some force. "I should cut out your tongue pirate for insulting my wife Marion!"

Ruby subtlety shakes her head and rolls her eyes while she polishes the water spots off some dried shot glasses. One minute the so-called 'honorable' Robin of Locksley is spouting on about Regina and then in the same breath his brings up his true significant other. Regina must have really been temporarily insane to mess with a married man, who thought he was widowed but clearly is not. Don't Evil Queens know that you don't mess with people that have 'issues' or 'baggage', like the rest of us who automatically figure it out.

Ruby smirks while putting away the clean glasses and her incredible hearing latches back on to the dynamic duo once more. How oddly entertaining it is that one minute their at each other and then the next minute their comfortably joking around. They remind Ruby of another couple she knows really well, and they're even more fun to spy on. And speak of the devil; Captain Hooker and Robin Hoody have moved back to the topic that originally started their interaction.

"Emma is a good deal better-looking than you mate and she smells incredible." Hook says adamantly while leaning in very close to Robin's face.

"Of that I have no doubt." Robin replies with a tinge of admiration, but then he clears he throat and lowers his voice. "But how was she when you had her?"

At those words Ruby and the wolf lurking just under her skin is back to considering her bridge plan. But she's on the fence now about telling Emma any one detail about this 'event' she has witnessed.

Back in the thick of things, Killian's face can't decide whether it wants to frown or offer up a smug smile. The effect of both at war on his face is unsettling to those who can see it.

"It was that awful?" Robin asks hopefully.

"Alas, my ship was never allowed to dock at her port; she kept telling me that she wasn't ready and then...well you see the result."

Robin tries and fails to hide his laugh while Killian's face finally does settle into a deep scowl.

"Hilarious isn't it?" Hook says; his voice drips with distain. "Do tell Hood...just how far did you get with her evil-regalness?"

Robin's laughter ceases and after a snort through his nose; he tilts his beer stein to look down into its foamy dregs. "I kissed her, touched her breasts and one time; in her vault, I very nearly succeeded in sinking my arrow into her quivering target."

An empty beer bottle falls victim to Ruby's sudden crushing grip, but the noise doesn't register with the two non-gentlemen down at the far end of the bar. However, Happy, one of the six or is it seven dwarves eyes Ruby carefully then eases off his barstool perch in a similar fashion. He abandons his drink; a slippery nipple.

"That's sick mate!" Hooks says with a smarmy smile. "But between me and you also damned funny!"

Robin chuckles, "I do have my moments, but I have to keep all that bottled up. If the women knew how I really am then I would never get one that wasn't completely falling down drunk to lie with me."

"You could always pay." Killian says with a wink as he lays his hook on Robin's forearm. "Those gals are in this world the same as ours and when you pay for it you can say and do whatever the hell you want."

Ruby considers performing a double castration in the parking lot after closing, without anesthesia. And she means a knockout drug, not the knockout waitress whose name sounds the same.

"But I haven't any money." Robin says leaning even closer to Killian.

"How do you manage that?" Hook asks as the pungent forest smell of Robin fills his nostrils again. "When you rob the rich didn't you ever consider keeping a small fee for yourself?"

The witless thief considers the pirates logic, but before Robin can answer Hook attempts to clear his nose with a loud sniff but it doesn't help, so he leans back a bit and reaches into his inner coat pocket again and the rum comes out to play once more.

"Fancy a sip mate?" Hook offers Robin after taking a healthy swig from his flask. "It'll put hair on your chest."

"Cheers!" Robin says before taking a drink of the pirate's rum.

The rum stings the throat of the thief and he tries to hide the cough that his body desperately wants to do.

"That's a good lad." Killian says while rubbing Robin's back in gentle circles. "Your first time having rum?"

Robin simply nods because his throat is still burning.

"Eh, the first time can smart a bit but it gets better." Killian says suggestively as he moves his hook up from Robin's forearm to his elbow.

The martini mixer cups almost fly out of Ruby's hands at Captain Hooks words, but she manages to hold on and thankfully not even Regina's friend Kathryn is none the wiser.

"Do you hold your Willy with that thing, or do you use your hand when you piss?"

This time Ruby nearly spills the martini before she even gets the drink poured in the glass. That smells like some seriously strong rum, and its clearly strong enough to loosen Robin's lips that much. Ruby smiles and steadies her hand and Kathryn asks her if she's alright. Ruby replies that she's fine, but internally she is damning her wolf hearing now; Granny was right about that being a real curse sometimes. Good fortune smiles though even at this hour because its getting late or early now, however you want to look at it. Ruby chances a glance at the most awkward couple ever assembled again.

"I really should get home to Roland." Robin says as he finally moves away from the Killian, but only a little.

"You know I've got a soft spot for kids too, mate." Hook says offhandedly while shifting closer on his barstool.

Robin turns to look into Killian's eyes and then smirks. "Is that so? Well I've lived in the woods with a fair amount of men for extended periods of time."

"Care to share 'grievances' with me somewhere privately?" Hook retorts; not that he would ever really 'entertain' Robin, at least not stone cold sober, but heavily rummed-up then concessions can be made, for one night that is.

"Why not? You're really are a pretty striking looking chap." Robin says with a faint smile that curves his turned out mouth up further. However, the far from noble Robin Hood has a moment of clarity. "But even though my actions of the last few months would suggest otherwise, I'm still a married man and I think I should stop from sullying my vows any further." Robin smiles and looks into Killian's deep blue eyes. "And I have come to terms with the fact that I've forced myself on one person too many times already."

'What a twat!' Ruby and Captain Hook think to themselves upon listening to Robin Hood's hollow speech about honoring his vows and high moral standards now.

"I understand mate, but thanks for the compliment all the same. I always win over everyone I set my sights on...eventually." Hook replies with a wink and a sly grin. "And I formally withdraw my offer of companionship for the remainder of this evening, for it is bad form on your part as of late. And you should give it your best effort on trying to win your wife back."

"Thank you Captain." Robin says with a smirk while he pats Killian's shoulder, before sliding off his barstool. "I'm really going now; see you around sometime?"

Hook smiles as he waves off Robin with the curved silver metal that his namesake was born of. "One more thing, Robin. I'll blame the rum for my shunned advances tonight but so we're clear mate, if things don't work out with Marion don't come crawling back to me."

Ruby barely holds in her laugh as she starts wiping down the bar top; gradually working her way down to the opposite end that the 'dumped love-birds' occupied. Killian throws down some money to cover his drinks and the one beer that Robin didn't pay for before he lumbered off. As Ruby announces 'last call' she internally thanks the powers that be that her friend Emma wised up and snagged somebody worth having. Because even that hot bitch of an ex-Queen needs love, and who better than her friend Emma who is helplessly drawn to bitchy women who need all kinds of saving.

"Next time Robin can pay for his own damned drink." Killian says snobbishly while throwing down a generous tip for the scrumptious bartender. He eyed the enchanting brunette earlier; how could he not? She reminded him of a dangerous beauty with long legs ripe to chart a course on for a lengthy exploration, but she rather unfortunately kept her distance from him all night long.

'My charms must be off tonight.' Hook thinks to himself as he slowly shuffles out of the bar. He hasn't drunk nearly enough rum yet to chase away what remains of this night, because all he got out of tonight was unknowingly buying Regina's average looking ex-manfriend a beer.

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><p><span><strong>Soundtrack:<strong> "Single Ladies (put a ring on it)" by Beyoncé & "You're Makin' Me High" by Toni Braxton

**Final Words:** If you didn't like this then I'm kindly asking that you pump your brakes and don't hate on me...for laughing my ass off while writing this piece of **fiction about fictional characters.**


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